Life is hard and learning new things (or re-learning things) is hard. Recently I've seen grace modeled in new ways - big ways. It's hard for me to receive grace especially from myself. I don't feel worthy to receive grace when I've blown it. But I think that's part of growing and maturing.
I've also been scared lately. I've been scared that I'm never going to have a job again. I'm scared that I'm going to be at my parents house forever. I'm scared I'm going to get "stuck". I know what I want to do in life and it's been affirmed by many people, but because this journey has been a long and hard one, I'm scared it's never going to happen. These last 9 months have been hard. I've applied for close to 150 jobs in and out of Young Life Camping and I haven't landed a job yet. I've begun to ask the questions like "What's wrong with me?" And in that I'm having trouble finding pure joy like it talks about in James 1 where James is talking about considering it a pure joy whenever we face trials of many kinds. The longer I go without a job, the harder it is to find that pure joy.
Don't get me wrong, the Lord is still good and He is faithful and I have seen him work. I've never gone without food or a place to live. Yes, my funds have been and continue to be tight, but I've never gone without. My brother, Kory, is healing well and he's back to work part time - praise the Lord! The Lord has been faithful in that area for sure. I could go on about how I've seen the Lord.
My heart is a bit weary right now. I'm tired. I'm trying to trust the Lord when my inner, sinful self is having hard time with that.
This journey has been hard. And I'm ready. Ready for something good.
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