Sigh

I sigh. Often. And more often than not, I say sigh instead of simply sighing. It's just something I do.

Well, I think it's crazy. I left the Ranch one month ago today. Sometimes it feels like it's been only a few days and sometimes it feels like it has been years since I've been there. The hardest part has really been not being in the community and the relationships that I left there. Well not entirely left there, not in spirit.

When I left the Canyon so many heavy emotion events had been happening pretty much right up until I left. I didn’t have the chance to fully process anything before the next thing occured.

When I first got home, it was like I hit the ground running. It was a whirlwind of last minute Christmas shopping, time with family, Christmas, and unpacking still not fully processing the recent events.

It wasn’t until after the family left and after New Years came and went that I really let myself process the last month or two of my time in Antelope. And it wasn’t until after I was able to process some of the recent things that I was able to move forward and start looking to what’s next. I’ve been able to look forward and see what that might possibly look like.

And now I've been able to do so, I'm beginning to grow a little frustrated with the "obtain a job" process. It has been a long, slow process with little to show for the time I've poured into it. My goal, above all else, is to cling to two of the Lord's promises:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with

thanksgiving, submit your request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all

understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 4:6-7

and...

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and

not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future"

- Jeremiah 29:11

Until recently I was doing a pretty good job of not being anxious or frustrated with the job search, but I'm getting there, that's for sure. I think the hardest thing is the not knowing. It always is. If I knew what the job was or how long I'd be waiting, I'd be fine. Well, let's be honest, that's a lie. Because after the not knowing piece, being patient is a very close second to the hardest thing about such a process. After I found I was moving to Oregon, almost immediately I was saying, “I can’t wait! September 29th can’t come soon enough!” But I think that knowing makes things easier. Right now, I simply want to know what’s next. Then I can rest with a little more peace.

I’m excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this year and what adventures I’m going to take. Hurry up and wait, right?

And Another Thing...Friends. Part 2.

I came outside to read on my back porch in my jeans, short-sleeved tshirt, and barefeet, but I think, instead, it's time for my first blog of 2012.

You might remember my original "And Another Thing...Friends" post about my friend Sam. If not, read here and it'll give you some perspective on what I mean by "And Another Thing...Friends".

Well, the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 has been a rough/sad chunk of time as you can tell in the previous posts. 2012 hasn't had anything super hard or anything, but mostly sad. I've been really missing Oregon and the nearness of certain dear relationships - both in time zone and physical nearness. People who I love dearly and love living life with.

I love to laugh a lot. I love to laugh often. There aren't too many people who can get me truly, deep-belly laughin'. Like truly. And honestly I can't remember when the last time was that I truly laughed so hard that my stomach hurt...until today.

There really isn't anybody who can get me truly, deep-belly laughin' like Kory and Sara can. When I'm with them, I laugh and laugh often. I could be legitimately crying then one of them way say something and I can't help but laugh. As I was talking with my dear brother today I had tears rollin' down my face and my stomach was hurting so bad because I was laughing like crazy! It felt so good! It has been so long since I have laughed that hard. It was just what I needed. It has brought me out of this funk that I've been in. We could be laughing for what seems like forever at what seems like so little. I love it.

Kory and Sara - a couple of more "And another thing...friends" - some of the most important. Friend/family that have laughed and cried with me.

And one more of these dear friends is my sweet friend Lindsay. I talked to my dear friend Lindsay on the phone yesterday for about 10 minutes and it was so wonderful although short with her promising to call me next week when company leaves. Lindsay has been a dear, sweet, friend in my life.

Although my family and her in-laws have been friends for decades, Lindsay and I didn't meet until the summer of 2007 when her husband, Nate, was on Assignment doing Program at SharpTop while I was on Property Staff there. While I had seen Nate a couple times since that month, the Lord didn't have Lindsay's and my paths cross again until we both moved to Oregon. Nate and Lindsay (who were pregnant with their second child) moved to the Canyon about six/seven weeks after I did. Oh it was glorious. You see, I had no clue that Nate and Lindsay were moving to the Ranch until they showed up to State of the Property that night. I was so excited to see them there and have them apart of the Canyon Family.

Lindsay has been a great friend who has asked good, real, deep questions and walked with me during some really hard and confusing times. Love her and her sweet family.

These dear people are some of the biggest reasons why it was so hard to leave the Canyon and the reasons why I miss it the most. Can't wait to come home and visit with them in person. Love you guys.

Moving forward

I am intentional about creating two different posts back to back today. One was somewhat of reflecting and this one is more of looking forward.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the Canyon. Still do. Always will. This last month or so has been very hard emotionally. My birthday, moving, and Christmas has come and gone in a flash yet it has dragged on forever. I'm learning to really appreciate the things around me and especially the people. Most importantly, the Lord. This month has been huge in my life and I will probably be processing it for a long time.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward and move on. I can't wait to take down the Christmas decorations and get on with life. I'm ready live life again versus live in a fog.

So here we go 2012. I'm looking forward to being good friends and growing more. Get ready.

The Last of the Canyon. Sad.

It's no secret that I grew to love the Canyon more than I thought. It's also no secret that it was harder leaving the Canyon than I thought. I learned a ton about the Lord and a ton more about myself while I lived in the Canyon which I am still trying to process, but the Lord is good.

I think, well I know, it's the people that I miss the most. It's the people that I've learned the most from. I love the Canyon for it's community. The family.

I had some pictures on my computer that I wanted to upload because I think that pictures help tell the story. It adds life and detail.

It's no secret that I love my brother Kory's ginormous, brown, awesome Yellowstone Coffee mug. You know the opening scene in So I Married An Axe Murder where Mike Myers character is sitting in a coffee shop and the waitress brings him a drink in that HUGE mug and he says "I believe I ordered the large cappuccino! Hello?!" Well, it's like that. It's huge and it's awesome. I kept threatening that I was going to steal it and I finally did. Sara had the great idea that there should be pictures involved. So for the next 24 hours or so, I took the mug around camp taking pictures of the mug anywhere and everywhere. It was so much fun....maybe a little too fun. I don't know.

Here are just two of the pictures that I took with the amazing mug:

This is in the Canyon Dinning Hall, the Iron Kettle. This is one of my favorite shots.

Kory use to drive this truck, The Hulk, for work. So of course I had to re-unite the mug and The Hulk. They obviously miss each other a whole heck of a lot.

So fun! You know I am still amazed at how well Kory and Sara love and serve others. The day Kory was released from the hospital, we had plans for a joint birthday party for me and their daughter, Bailey. I kept asking Sara if she wanted to cancel or postpone the party and she kept saying no. She still wanted to have it. And it was great. Felt so loved. One of the best parts was having Kory there. I'm not kidding. If I had gotten nothing else that would have been fine, I was just so excited to have my brother home from the hospital. Here are some pictures from that night.

Me and Bailes, the birthday girls!

Loved having my busted brother there. Such a gift and a blessing.

Sweet Kathi. Love her.

It was a great evening. At my goodbye party a few days before that, I was sent off in prayer. Dear neighbors and friends, Tim and Leah were there. Tim has a Rockbridge mug that I love. I had a Rockbridge mug as well that somehow got lost while I lived in the Canyon. I LOVE that mug. Tim had one almost identical to the one I had except mine was pink and his was yellow. Well, as a parting gift, Tim gave me his mug! Love it! Such a great gift. I am so thankful and blessed. Such a simple act means so much. And here's the mug.

This last picture is from my final drive into camp before the move. Sad moment. Hard moment. I sometimes have a hard time with change and while driving into camp that Sunday afternoon, I knew things were about to change and I was leaving some of the best friends and things I've ever had in my life, knowing that it was a good thing. It was hard to think that I would have to wait months before I could hug these sweet friends and family again.

The Canyon has been an amazing. The Canyon - it has a way of changing you. And for me, it was good.

Leaving the Canyon

My heart is heavy right now. Life in the Canyon has been hard these last couple of weeks. Much life has been lived and processed since the beginning of December.

Leaving the Canyon is harder than I imagined it would be. I'm not sure if it has to do with all of the hard events recently - particularly Doug and Kory or just life stuff. Today is my 27th birthday and it doesn't feel all that special birthday-like that it normally does. Not that people haven't been loving on me - they totally have been and I feel SO loved by my dear Canyon Family. I think I'm just sad that recent events have happened. I'm sad that Dana lost her husband. I'm sad that Dain, Peter, Caleb, and Jack lost their dad. I'm sad that Kory's in pain.

Everything in me wants to restart this month with different outcomes. If I could be in control, Doug would still be here and Kory wouldn't have fallen.

But I guess that's why the Lord is in control. I was talking with my dear friend Lindsay the other night and she said something that was a great reminder to me. She said that we may not see it now, but hindsight is 20 20. We may not understand what the Lord is trying to teach us in this moment, but we will. We have to trust this because the Lord always delivers. He is always faithful.

I love the Canyon and it's family more than I thought possible. I have two days left here and I want to soak it up as much as possible. My heart is still heavy, but I am thankful.

Moving!

Well, my friends, it's official. I'm moving back east! Monday evening at about 9 pm, I'll be on a plane back to Virginia Beach!

I have such mixed emotions about leaving the Canyon. I am super super excited to be back in Virginia and closer to the family, but super sad to be leaving my sweet, sweet Canyon Family.

So far, December has been a hard month for our Canyon Family. W e lost a dear husband, dad, brother, and friend just over a week and half ago with the passing of Doug Kuhn. Doug was so instrumental in the building of both Canyon and Creekside as well as playing a huge role in helping build community amongst the Property Staff of WFR. Our Canyon Family would not be the same without Doug and for him, I am incredibly grateful. So glad I could still be physically on the Ranch for this time and be with the rest of the Property Staff to celebrate Doug. This is one HUGE reason why I love the Canyon - the people!

So here I am in the midst of final week here and the "this is the last time I'll be doing...this" mode all while trying to pack up and soak up life here. Yet looking forward to life back east. Such a mix of emotions. I love so much about this place and these people and I'll be sad to say goodbye starting tonight at my goodbye party. I can't wait to see my nephews. Sigh.

Chukar/Elk Bucket List?

Tonight (well really last night since it's after midnight) I, again, attempted to soak up as much of the rural life of Antelope as I could. The night held two more firsts for me - things that I can now cross off my Bucket List, which I didn't even know were on my Bucket List until I was in the middle of it.

The first one, which in my opinion is not as cool, is I cooked and ate Chukar for the first time! For those of you who don't know what Chukar is (I didn't until I moved out here), it's a type of bird - it's in the partridge family (it's okay to laugh at that!) My dear friend and brother, Kory, killed a Chukar, cleaned it all up and gave me some for my roommate and me to eat. So today, I made some chili with the Chukar and LOVED it. Thanks again, K!

The second thing, which I find WAY cooler (partially because I still haven't fully warmed up yet) is I helped butcher an elk! I was totally grossed out at first, but ended up LOVING it! Thankful for the guys allowing me to be there and to hang out and especially thankful that Jesse Washkau let me take a knife to his elk and the rest of the dudes for showing me how.

Below are some pictures. I tried to pick some that were the least gross, but there's only so much you can do.

Kory and Jesse working on Jesse's elk - look at that intensity!

Kory startin' to dance - let the good times roll!

The dudes - Kory, Jimmy, Jeff, and Jesse - takin' a look at Jesse's elk

I, of course, had to get my hands in there. I had just cut off a huge chunk of Jesse's elk.

I, at first, wasn't sure of what to think about all of this dead animal hangin' in a cooler with no skin or heads or anything. It just smelled so awful and it simply wasn't anything I was use to or comfortable with. Clearly I became comfortable with it - seeing that I'm holding a huge chunk of meat that I had just cut off the side of an elk!

There is no way, in a thousand years, that I would have ever thought that I be butchering an animal and actually like it, but I did and I do. Simply amazing!

So thankful for the simple life!